Jillian at the Bluff signpost
Jillian Sullivan has just started walking the South Island section of the Te Araroa trail. I invited her to send poems whenever she felt inspired to do so, internet access permitting.
Friends are why we come home
Friends around the table and all
the glorious food and laughter.
Sometimes I yearned to run away
from here, I told Graeme. But I didn’t
want to leave this. He guessed the weight
of my pack closest, at 14 kilos. Some
said 17. It was 13. Achievable,
then.
The gifts they gave me of their eyes.
The gifts they gave me of their selves,
who know me. And so we said
goodbye. And so it is true
I am going. Margaret took a photo, as pack
on back I walked down the white line
of the empty road running through our village.
A metaphorical photo.
Now it is a thrush singing outside
my window. Bach, Ave Maria,
black coffee. The gentle easing into
leaving this life, for when I come
back, who will I be? Someone
dissolved into trees and rocks and sky?
It’s always Wednesday
It’s always Wednesday, it’s always
eight am, it’s always.
One last morning in the hut, figuring
the right thing to do. What would you do?
Your younger, thoughtful look,
considering. You would tell me to listen.
The final walk along the stream
bearing the heavy pack. The final call in
at Gilchrists Store for the mail. The apples
outside my window growing into their appleness
after such a winter. A sparrow riding high
on the pale green under a grey sky.
The last morning I won’t be hanging onto
every word of the weather forecast.
The last morning casually making coffee
looking around at my books which are
everywhere. Yesterday two more shelves,
already full. The last morning
I will count the weeks to the ten months
you’ve been gone. There is ease in this world
of a physical kind, but then I will learn
how to keep walking. You said it first. Keep on.
While I’m away the sun will take all this
green and lushness and turn it gold, the hay
cut, dried, stacked. A whole season over.
Like another Wednesday.
That tramper
Yes, I am now that tramper
who, after the first day
bent under weight in rambunctious
wind, unpacks the pack, examines,
holds, casts away, takes back, casts
away. Gone: rescue remedy,
extra shirt, my darling’s hat, also,
his book of poems. I will have to cleave
them closer. My daughter laughs when I say
I packed a nighty for the huts. Now
I know I am a grandmother. Ok, gone
the nighty, the togs, the jar of magnesium pills,
also, the merino jersey. The wind held me
down and I was hardly a leaf. The photo
at the yellow signpost of Bluff – I’m not
staunch. My legs aren’t even
straight. My body saying,
“You’re going to do what?”
No regrets
The beach is a long wing, of course
you like it; the waves blue, white crests
blown apart by wind, the sand
tawny and firm. But now you have to
walk it as if this is a sentence,
for seven hours, actually, until you turn
from the jauntiness of one step after another,
like hope in the future, which is possibly
why you’re doing this, until about the|
six hour point it all becomes pain.
The thigh bone connected to the|
knee bone, intimately. There is nothing
to be done about the future now, except
keep walking. No-one will save you. Only
the memory at five hours when the young
tattooed builder from Western Australia,
who has caught up to your stride,
stops to swim in the lolloping waves.
You are longing, you are longing to, also.
You won’t regret it, he says. You
take off your clothes on a public beach.
You don’t regret it.
Jillian Sullivan
Oreti Beach
Jillian Sullivan lives and writes in Central Otago, New Zealand. She is published in a wide variety of genres and teaches workshops on creative non-fiction and fiction in New Zealand and America. Once the drummer in a woman’s originals band, and now grandmother of eleven, her passion is natural building. She finished a Masters degree in Creative writing in her 50s, and became builder’s labourer and earth plasterer nearing 60. Now home is the tussock lands, the tor-serrated dry hills and the white flanked mountains of the Ida Valley, where she has 20 acres bordering the Ida Burn, and plenty of room to store clay and sand for future earth projects. Her books include the creative non-fiction book, Map for the Heart – Ida Valley Essays (Otago University Press 2020).